Grandpa, is that you?

Deep Throat's identity revealed.
And suprisingly, it's not this guy.
R.

You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life

Weddings (like the one I went to in Baltimore this weekend, hence my writing the following) always result in me having one of two reactions- 1) I never want to get married (re: your wedding sucked) or 2) What am I doing with my life? (re: maybe I do want to get married, but instead of thinking about that I'll think about other things I need to fix in my life- some call it "transference"). Basically, weddings leave me not with a warm and fuzzy/lovey dovey/happy feeling but with a feeling more akin to indigestion. It's sweet, I know. As usual, I made a list of things to change in my life but this time I'm going to throw it away rather than ignore it, b/c I'm not ignoring it if it's not there. See how I did that- I'm tricky. Plus, #8 was stop being self reflective so it kind of makes the list null and void.

And now I'll do that thing where I take things other people posted first and add a little touch o' Reagan to it. You know you like it.

Christian Slater accused of groping
The actor, 35, was arrested and charged with third-degree sexual abuse after a woman pointed him out to police and accused him of grabbing her rear at around 2 a.m.
Third-degree...is that like third base? If so, this must have been one intese ass grabbing. I'm not trying to insult the women's lib movement or anything, but c'mon lady, people grab asses all the time, you should be happy it was Christian Slater and not your run of the mill creepy drunk guy (who never called me....). At least w/ this groping, you've got a story to tell at dinner parties.

I am a bad stalker
I had no idea that Mark Ruffalo & Jake Gyllenhaal will be starring in David Fincher's new movie. Seriously, the link I've attached is from April 19th...that's over a month ago (if you can't figure it out for yourself aka don't count or aka don't care, it's actually 42 days to be exact). That's 42 days I've missed creating fantasy scenarios in my head where Mark and Jake fight over who gets to make out with me. In these imaginary situations, they both win (it's a little thing I like to call "sharing"...perhaps your mother taught you about it when you were 3? but with toys, not letting people stick their tongue down your throat)

Whoops, you know what the music means
God bless you goldenfiddle for your Dr. Katz post. I read it and I laughed. Just a little. On the inside. I used to watch the show semi-religiously until the wavy animation started making me sea sick.

Reagan- super blogger?
Yes, the rumors are true. As of tomorrow, I will be taking over the LA side of TOTC. I love that Joey described me as a "a Jake Gyllenhaal enthusiast". I guess "lazy pyscho fan" felt a little judgemental. Do not fear, my ridiculously large fan base (aka you and you)- I will still post sh*t here as well. B/c if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I have enough boredom to spread around.

Hayden Christensen gets tipsy (via a socialite's life)
Ain't no shame in that game. And by that game, I mean me taking advantage of Anakin when he's passed out drunk. If that guy on the left didn't get to him first.

Girls I want to be really really in love with...
Dude.man.phat- you're my new blog crush. I'm sure you're ecstatic, laying on your back right now kicking your feet in the air w/ glee. Think Ann Margaret in "Bye Bye Birdie" when she finds out that she's going to meet that Elvis like guy...that's what I'm picturing. As usual, I digress- but for reals, this list is f*cking funny. Dakota Fanning...Yu-gi-oh...dude.man.phat, you kill me!

Brunettes are better than blondes. It's a fact. Been sayin' it for years.

Yours truly,
R.

The bitch must die

+



=

new couple? (via my coworker)

My feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story". And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. "You think that I'm afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, 'cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I'll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! 'Cause if I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands and I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya!

Love,
R.

Addendum: This is a joke. I don't want to get arrested for threatening Mischa Barton's life.

Best. Evite. Ever.

SANDWICH EVENT

Listen, I'm gonna be going to Wendy's this Sunday to get a sandwich (probably a "big bacon classic") and maybe a frosty. I'll be there for about forty minutes -- eating and watching other people eat. It should be a good time as usual. Who else is in?

(via my friend Guiseppe)

Sucks I won't be here.
R.

My name is not Michael Vaughn....

Dun dun dunnnnnn. Okay, so I don't even watch Alias. Well, I used to, for about 3 episodes two years ago before Arrested Development premiered and took over that time slot in my Sunday night life. But last night I had a friend over who watches the show so I said, "Sure, we can watch it" b/c I'm not a complete a**hole. I know how important a finale is to an avid fan. I didn't really pay attention to most of the episode, seeing as how I had no idea of the current storyline (zombies?) or characters (Samantha's lesbian lover from Sex and the City?). But then during the last five minutes I decided to watch...b/c I love a good cliffhanger and wanted to see what was going to happen. Our thoughts: Jennifer Garner aka Sydney aka really Jennifer Garner would say she's pregnant. B/c how is she going to hide that next season? This isn't Will & Grace- you can't stand behind a couch and hope no one notices the extra 20 lbs bulging from your stomach. Nope, Sydney can't casually hide behind a counter and say "I would kick your a** but I have to carry this bag of groceries placed discretely in front of my stomach and I really can't put it down". Did you see that fight with her sister? You can't do that w/ a baby on board. I digress...so in the last five minutes, Sydney & Michael are driving on the PCH, talking about getting married (congratulations you guys!), when Michael decides to reveal some secret (this is where it gets complicated, he's talking about something from season 1 and I'm completely lost) but then (this is the best part, the reason I even wrote anything in the first place) then he says "My name is not Michael Vaughn" then BAM! A truck crashes right into their car. Cut to black- the end. It. was. awesome. Being the jumpy person that I am (I was once scared by the sight of my own shadow, true story), I screamed so f*cking loud that I had to go outside and warn the neighbors that no one had just been murdered in my apartment. Sure, no one had come outside or even seemed to care about my blood curdling scream, but I decided to say (to no one in particular) "Everything's okay, nothing to see here". To end this long rant- I now have to watch Alias next season. Damn you ABC and you're cliffhangers. Damn you to hell!
R.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

My boss just informed me that Jake f*cking Gyllenhaal was at the Lords of Dogtown premiere last night. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Seriously, I think I might cry. Why do I care (it's not the first time I've missed a Jake G. encounter)? Because...I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! But noooooo...tickets were reserved for more important people...like Fred Durst and Alexis Arquette. Oh god, and the f*cking Willis daughters! It hurts so much....

Mastering interpersonal skills (via my blog is poop). It's funny b/c it's true! I've listed my favorite techniques below...now I'll never look like an a**hole even when I really have no idea who you are (I can't help that I drink a lot).
- When introducing two people, stop halfway and let them do the rest. Example: Oh Lindsay, I'd like you to meet... (exaggerated swallow/cough)
At this point, the person will instinctively introduce themselves to save you. "I'm Tim, nice to meet you." Saved.
- Act genuinely happy to see the person. Accentuate this with an overexaggerated "Heyyyyy, it's great to see you!" If you're that thrilled to see them there's no way that you could've possibly forgotten their name.
- Don't say hi to anybody. Just start talking. This works well for the over confident and the creepy alike.

Reagan misses last night's episode of Chaotic- Chaotic risks being cancelled. (via goldenfiddle) Yes, the two are directly related.

Confirmed: Lindsay Lohan NOT in MI3. (via the d list). Her misery (I'm assuming she's heartbroken, it's funnier that way) brings me joy. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Not so much. I'm feel like one of those girls in high school who's nice to your face then talks about you behind your back. Minus the nice to your face thing.

Justin Timberlake pulling a Dicaprio. In other words- he's getting fat. You know, like Leonardo did a few years ago. Get it? Not my best post. (via the d list...again)

Immoderation's take on The Ten Commandements
No attempt at witty commentary necessary...just see for yourself. I think it's hilarious, if that means anything to you.

To end this post, I would like to tell you a little story about a girl who is 25 going on 50. No, she is not wise beyond her years. But she does get tired around 9 pm every night. And having even one margerita is enough to send her into a coma. AND she has seen an episode or two of Two and a Half Men...and laughed. I don't really have a point. I'm just saying- she ain't getting any younger.
R.

Oprah: After the Show

So I missed the Tom Cruise/Oprah mash up yesterday, but I feel like I got the gist of it when I caught a few clips on The Insider after work. Warning: I'm about to state the obvious- Tom Cruise is crazy. Not crazy like "Tom, you so crazy!" (wow...did I really just write that?) but more like "Mr. Cruise, please insert both arms into the straight jacket and we won't use electroshock therapy on your crazy a**". In short: he's mentally insane. Despite my efforts, defamer sums it up much better than I ever could:
It was like any other hour spent with someone hell-bent on physically expressing their “love”: there is sweating, uncontrollable yelping, wrestling, the liberal abuse of furniture, the twisting of bodies into extremely uncomfortable positions, more wrestling, and moments of seeming forced imprisonment. After it’s all over, you can’t look each other in the eye and there’s an overwhelming urge to collapse in the bottom of a shower in the fetal position, gently rocking yourself into blissful catatonia as icy water washes the whole thing away.
And the final Tom Cruise thing, I promise...Do not attempt to pet the Cruise

A few days/weeks/months ago (I have no sense of time elapsing) I mentioned that I find it hot when two guys kiss. With this being said, is anyone really surprised that I can't wait for Brokeback Mountain? Even though I doubt it will show my sweet Jake G. and Heath Ledger getting it on, the sexual tension alone will be enough to wet my palette.

And the winner for best post title re: Phil Spector's crazy court up do: phil spector's wall of hair (aka why i could not be an impartial juror)...
Runner up: At least he didn't show up in pajamas
*no actual prizes will be given for this contest

Kelly Osbourne: missing the band wagon on hating Britney Spears (pssst...we love her now b/c she's trashy and not afraid to show it):

jj071: Who's the most overrated singer in the industry?

Kelly_Osbourne: Probably Britney Spears!

(note to Kelly: you are not the first person to say this, no exclamation point necessary)

She's also a genuis:

Trashaddict: Hi Kelly! You're in London promoting your new album and I saw you on TV this morning... what is it like being famous?

Kelly_Osbourne: I don't know...it's a hard question to answer... That's like saying, what's it like to have blonde hair!...There's a million answers!!

(For the answer to "what's it like to have blonde hair?" scroll down to bottom of page)

My nominee for the next poet laureate: Eminem
“Mary-Kate and Ashley used to be so wholesome / Now they’re getting older / They’re starting to grow bum bums.”
Bum bums...really Marshall? This will make an easy transition to Kidz Bop.
R.

*answer: incredible (we would also accept "awesome")

I am a karoake whore

Yes, it's true. On Friday night, I once again went on a karaoke binge, singing 4 songs in the span of 4 hours. That's one song an hour (I am a math whiz). I began the night w/ "I will survive" a song that has never before been used in karaoke, but I decided to be risky and let my inner Gloria Gaynor come out. And come out she did, in the version of mid 20's whitey with a deluded confidence and the rhythm of a clumsy one legged blind girl. And I didn't stop there...I went on to sing "Milkshake" after some a**hole stole "Toxic" from Thesy and myself (I rarely do solos...I like to spread the embarassment amongst two people). I hate to say it, but my milkshake did not bring the boys to the yard...it only made one shout "make out!" and another join in with "yeah!". So we kissed...I'm just kidding! We only freaked a little, b/c I'm a karaoke whore, that's what karaoke whore's do. Plus, we had to keep the attention of our audience of two, no one else gave a sh*t. And finally, I crooned "It's the end of the world as we know it" w/ Lisa b/c during a strange point in her life she learned all the lyrics to the first half of the song and finally had the chance to show the world (or the remaining 8 people in the bar). I contributed very little during this performance...I think I said "it starts w/ an earthquake" and then later the obvious "Leonard Bernstein". Of course, I danced, if bouncing around and slightly bobbing your head counts as dancing. I don't think it does, I think that make actually be considererd seizing, but whatever works I just go with it. In the great words of the Beasties- "let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low, that is the tempo".

Saturday, I got a massage...my first ever...and you know what I realized? I don't like massages. They hurt like hell. How am I supposed to be relaxed when I'm tense the entire time worried that she'll do that thing with the elbow again? I couldn't help laughing (later when I was alone in my car) when I laid down on the massage table and meakly told the masseuse, "This is my first time, be gentle" b/c it's the only way I could think to phrase it. I promise I wasn't trying to make a lame joke, the equivalent of "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." After that, I got my hair cut and dyed, another first time for me, not dying it at home myself. I hate the haircut and the dye is okay, I guess (I went for the color of Reese Witherspoon's in "Walk the Line") but it's a little too much red, I only wanted a hint of red. Like when the light hits it and you go "Oh, red". Like that. Anyway, the response has been that people like it, my boss said it's a more mature look, but frankly I'm not mature so I don't know if it fits me. Nevertheless, new look=new Reagan. I want to be less uptight. Period. End of (boring) story.

I wish I were as clever as other people, but since I am not, I will just post random things from other blogs...

Where's Beyonce?
I prefer scenes where you have to find Beyonce at the fair or Beyonce at the beach, this one is kind of boring. (via a socialite's life)

One year old arrested
He might look innocent, you know, b/c he's one and has that whole "I can't speak, I just stare and drool" thing going for him, but I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing. Plus, I heard he has a drinking problem. (via immoderation)

I think I just went permanently blind
It took me a few seconds to realize this was Jack Osbourne and not some random creepy biker dude. You know he's one tough mother when he has a smiley face drawn on his knee in what looks like magic marker...you know that sh*t can be permanent. (via the d list)

Seperated at birth
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....ha ha ha ha ha (via the d list ...again)

R.

It's Tom Cruise like you've never seen him before!

No, I've seen him act crazy/annoying before. Maybe I'm becoming too involved in the lives of celebrities, but everytime I see a preview for today's Oprah, w/ Tom Cruise saying "I'm in love" and then "surprise guest" Katie Holmes coming out and Tom pressing his forehead to hers to express said love and then the kissing, oh god, the kissing, I get pissed off. Like really pissed off. I just want to scream "Cut the crap Tom!" but I don't b/c that would be weird. I mean, it's one thing to not hide your relationship from the media, but this is ridiculous. He's going to feel really stupid when they break up in a month (after War of the Worlds opens...oh no she didn't just say that!). Or maybe they won't, maybe they'll get married, have real kids (not adopted ones like he did w/ Nicole), and stay together until one of them gets old (prob Tom since he's got a headstart) and dies, just to prove me wrong.
R.

What I am to you is not real

One of my favorite things to do is go hiking and listen to Damien Rice. It clears my head...I don't know if it's the hiking, the Damien, or the combination but it works. Even if I'm having the sh*ttiest of days, I cannot remain in a pissed off mental state when I reach the top and can see the entire city through a lovely haze of smog. I can't describe it really...not in any poetic way that would do it justice. It's just one of those things.

Last night I somehow in my sleep pulled a muscle in my shoulder/back and it kept me up forever just trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. I don't know how this happened as I've had the same position for most of my 25 years- on my left side, arm under my pillow, and another pillow tucked between my legs- it's never let me down...until now. So I had to lay on my back w/ no pillow while simultaneously trying to massage my own shoulders. Do you know difficult that is, giving yourself a massage? It doesn't quite have the same effect as when someone else does it.

Emily just IM'ed me the funniest thing our friend Jon Mark said the other day and now I'm going to post it, mainly b/c it makes me laugh and I miss him a lot when I hear things like this:

He was talking about how he got his mom to call the superintendent of a school he applied with so he might get the job and he goes "Call me Dr. Nepotism but I didn't got to nepotism school for 8 years to be called Mr."

Also, she just informed me that he, Dustin, and Daniel are recording a rap song. Since you have no idea who these guys are, let me just say- they're not rappers. No offense guys, I'm sure it will be awesome.

I'm contemplating asking my coworker who saw Star Wars yesterday how Anakin becomes Darth Vader...b/c I'm sort of curious and don't think I'll actually go see the movie.

I find this hilarious: F-word costs TV guy a job

TV reporter Arthur Chi'en was canned by WCBS/Ch. 2 yesterday after he shouted the F-word at two meddlers who horned in on his live shot.

Now you'll never anchor the 6 pm news...never! Mu wah ha ha.

Do I find Logan Marshall Green aka Trey on the OC attractive simply b/c he's on TV? Or is it b/c I'm tired of looking at Ryan and Seth so I welcome any new face (minus Zack)? Whatever it is, I'm probably the only one out there who took his side after he accosted Marisa. As I said several times last night, "He was hopped up on coke, he didn't know what he was doing!" ("hopped up"- since when do I say things like this). Even when he almost bashed Ryan's head in w/ a telephone, I still had his back. "It was self-defense!" "He's not a bad guy, he just does bad things!" "He's been dealt a bad hand in life!" Wanting to make out w/ someone does crazy things to a girl.
R.

I love you like a man shouldn't love another man

You wear eyeliner? Oh my god, I wear eyeliner! Let's kiss heterosexually.

Is it weird that sometimes I think it's hot when two guys kiss? (it's what happens after the kiss that can sometimes be a turn off..even though I respect your personal sexual choices, I just have issues with feeling left out). Check out Ewan McGregor & Hayden Christensen being secure in their (im)masculinity. You can watch the moment over and over and over and over until you have to look away b/c a) you're losing your mind, b) you're going cross-eyed, or c) your boss is calling you. Or d) all of the above.

On another completely unrelated note, Mary Kate is scary. I don't mean to be rude, but b*tch needs to get some sun. What? Yeah, you heard me.

R.

I want my network series TV

With all the network's fall line-ups being announced this week (aka upfronts for those of you in the know), I thought I'd pick out the premises that suck the most to give you a heads up of what not to look forward to airing for 3-6 episodes before being cancelled:

Kitchen Confidential:
Jack Bourdain (Bradley Cooper) is a rock star chef whose drinking, drug use and womanizing ruined his promising culinary career...Expect to learn lots of nasty secrets about what really goes on in the kitchens of your favorite restaurants.
Why it will suck: Maybe it won't...but a rock star chef? It's just another type of celebrity hanger on that I don't give a sh*t about.

Twins:
Mitchee (Sara Gilbert) and Farrah (Molly Stanton) are twins, but they couldn't be any more different. One's a successful business woman. The other's a successful lingerie model. And their cookie mom is Melanie Griffith. How's that for high concept?
Why it will suck: It wouldn't... if it were a series based on the movie. Then I'd def watch.

Close to Home:
Annabeth Chase (Jennifer Finnigan) plays an aggressive prosecutor who also happens to be a be a new mother. CBS promises that the show "tears away the facade of suburbia to reveal that sometimes quiet and tranquil streets can hide the darkest of crimes." Yes. Because that's never been done before.
Why it will suck: Yawn.

Ghost Whisperer:
A young wife (Jennifer Love Hewitt) can talk to dead people. And -- wouldn't you know it? -- the dead people want her help. Sometimes she gets simple directives from her ghostly friends, but other times the messages are confusing. Based on the work of James Van Praagh, all similarities to NBC's "Medium" are entirely intentional.
Why it will suck: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Enough said.

Thick and Thin:
Mary (Jessica Capshaw) used to be overweight, but now she's sassy and slim. She sees herself differently, but her friends and overweight family still can't get beyond the way she used to be. As the embarrassing situations mount, she remembers that losing weight was less about the other people in her life and more about becoming comfortable in her own skin.
Why it will suck: Because they used the words "sassy and slim" in the premise.

Freddie:
Growing up surrounded by women is one thing, living with them as an adult is something else. A young chef/bachelor-around-town (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) find that a house full of females might be more than he can handle when his sister, sister-in-law, niece and grandmother come to live with him after his brother's death.
Why it will suck: Freddie Prinze Jr. Enough said.

Three Wishes:
Amy Grant leads a team of experts into small towns and makes a variety of wishes come true. The Grammy winner helps perform miracles like reuniting families and saving jobs.
Why it will suck: Because this should be on PAX w/ that Billy Ray Cyrus show.

And here are a few of the ones that might not suck (you think at 25 I would have a better vocabulary that doesn't involve using the term "suck" 20 times a day):

My Name is Earl:
A bully and low-rent crook (Jason Lee) wins the lottery and decides to right the wrongs from his past. He may not be the brightest bulb, but he's oddly effective.
Why it may not suck: Because Jason Lee is funny.

How I Met Your Mother:
When Ted's (Josh Radnor) best friend Marshall (Jason Segel) tells him that he's about to propose to his girlfriend Lily (Alyson Hannigan), Ted decides he has to find his own dream woman. He enlists the help of his friend Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), but the quest for true love may be complicated. The series is told in flashbacks narrated by Bob Saget. Yes, Bob Saget.
Why it might not suck: Because Bob Saget is the narrator. And it has Doogie Howser if Bob doesn't do it for you.

Prison Break:
Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell) is on death row for a crime he maintains he didn't commit. His brother Michael (Wentworth Miller) believes him and commits a crime to join his brother in prison. What hoosegow officials don't know is that Michael helped design the prison and he's planning an elaborate escape. It's so elaborate that it will take an entire season to play out.
Why it might not suck: I already expressed my love for Sir Wentworth Miller. Plus, the concept could be cool...if they don't f*ck it up.

Reunion:
This innovative show -- part drama, part mystery -- follows six friends from their 1986 high school reunion through their 20th reunion, with each episode focusing on a seminal event from a year. When 2005 roles around, one of the friends is dead, but which one? And how did they die?
Why it might not suck: I'm just curious as to how this will work. How will they age the actors? I have to know!

The Bedford Diaries:
The most attractive college students and professors on television go to Bedford, a liberal arts school in New York City. There, a provocative Human Behavior and Sexuality class is about to shape the way all faculty and students alike look at the world around them.
Why it might not suck: It's like Kinsey, the series.

Just Legal:
Jay Baruchel ("Undeclared") plays a legal prodigy who can't land the job he wants because of his youth. Naturally, he goes to work for a legendary burn out (Don Johnson) barely making ends meet with a beachfront shingle. They become crusaders for the unjustly wronged, as the old man teaches his protege to become a lawyer and the whelp reminds his mentor of how to live again.
Why it might not suck: I just like Jay Baruchel. Loved him on Undeclared, loved him in Million Dollar Baby, I have to give the kid a chance.

And that's it.
R.

Sarcasm is the refuge of losers

I randomly watched the last half of the That 70's Show season finale last night. I haven't watched the show in for-e-ver and now I know why...b/c it sucks. It wasn't funny at all. And with Topher leaving the show, now it doesn't have a chance of ever being funny again. Plus they've added some guy named Charlie...I couldn't really tell who he is or what he was doing there but my guess is he's replacing Eric...living in Eric's room so Red and Kitty can still be on the show and Red can still say things like "my foot in your a**" ...hanging out w/ the gang in the basement....making out w/ Donna. It will be like nothing ever changed.

And also last night, when I was at the gym, there were bunches of people crowding in front of the Arclight for Star Wars opening night. There were regular people but also many people dressed in costume: Princess Leias, Wookies, Jedis, those dudes in the white plastic suits, etc. But the best part had to be that a lot of people were crowded around this staged area where two guys were having a light saber fight. No, not actors from the movie, just two guys dressed up like actors from the movie. And I'm pretty positive it was choreographed. You should have seen it...the crowd erupted when loser # 1 jumped over loser # 2's light saber as if they were watching a real sport. I watched for a while, laughing w/ a fellow worker outer, pointing and laughing. I felt like such a bully, using terms such as "dorks" and "losers" and "pathetic". My next move should have been to go down there and start pushing some of the smaller fans over as I made my way through the crowd, just to show that I'm better than them. I should be jealous, I don't have anything I love that passionately. I mean, I really like a lot of things, but not really to the point of worshipping. Even w/ pics of Jake G. displayed in my apt, I still feel like I could do more to become a super fan, the kind of psychotics who post on message boards and write fan letters. Maybe someday...dare to dream.
R.

You finger my trigger then you blame my gun

Joel Stein's pilot "Joint Custody" was not picked up...for the second year in a row. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny. But I think a lot of things are funny. And I'm not a Network Executive. So keeping these two facts in mind, my opinion doesn't really matter.

And now for a story from yesterday:
My coworker asked me to watch her baby while she went into a meeting and I said "yes" b/c I am a nice person and/or too scared to say no and risk being labeled the baby hater. So I'm watching the baby, literally, b/c it's just sleeping and I periodically put my hand to its mouth to make sure it's breathing, thus creating that oh so familiar feeling of paranoia in the mother's absence. The baby eventually wakes up and instead of seeing mommy it sees me and starts crying (a baby has an attention span of about 7 seconds, so it doesn't wake up and think "Oh, that's that other lady that sometimes holds me" but rather "Who the f*ck is that...waaaahhhhhh!!!") I pick her up and carry her around saying "It's okay, it's okay" and patting her on the back as I've seen others do before but she doesn't hear me b/c she's crying so f*cking loud. Finally, she stops screaming (thank god) so I set her on my knee and continue typing an IM I had started before her breakdown... when suddenly she vomits all over the left leg of my pants. The same pants that earlier in the day I had decided to return b/c they're too big. So I pick up the baby and take her to her mom who's still in the meeting b/c puke on me once, shame on you- puke on me twice, shame on me. Plus, she's not my baby. I didn't expel her from my loins so I feel no real connection or obligation. After the hand off, I had to change pants (luckily, I had my work out shorts w/ me) b/c of the overwhelming smell of vomit omitting from my the left lower region of my body. I felt like that kid in the 2nd grade wearing the normal shirt on top and the too big gym sweats on the bottom b/c they pissed their pants. Yep, that was me. To make matters even worse, I was so menstrual that it just escalated the situation from "ha ha a baby puked on me" to "I hate that baby for ruining my pants, I'm going to pout about it for an hour and IM my friends over and over about it and even consider crying". And I swear to you, when my coworker walked the baby by later that day, I glared at it. I would have given it the finger if mommy hadn't been looking. I was that mad. The end.
R.

The All Britney & Kevin Edition

Honestly, what else were you expecting?

Preggers: The Life of Britney Spears
This is so f*cking hilarious. I might watch it again later.
And speaking of hilarious?...I don't even know what to say about last night's debut of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic. Words fail me. Almost. I guess that's what happens when you spend your life touring from a young age...you end up at 23 with the maturity level of an 8 year old. And the intelligence. If there has ever been anything more comparable to a train wreck, I would like to know what it is. Seriously, I stared in disbelief, as if I were watching the f*cking moon landing. Trying to explain/describe last night's show is like me trying to explain quantam physics. Basically, I can't do it. Nevertheless, I watched the show in it's entirety while feasting on delicacies such as cheetos (crunchy and the other kind), KFC, Taco Bell, and Red Bull...then afterwards, watched Brit Brit and K Fed on Ellen (thanks to Ashley and her master recording skills).

The Late Show's Top Ten Reasons to Watch Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's New Show:
10. BRITNEY: There's never-before-seen footage of me wrestling an alligator.
9. KEVIN: Unlike those Desperate Housewives chicks, we're not, like, 60 years old.
8. BRITNEY: It's like American Idol except no one sleeps with Paula Abdul.
7. KEVIN: In the first episode, you can see my ass.
6. BRITNEY: I'm hot.
5. KEVIN: She's hot.
4. BRITNEY & KEVIN: We haven't had nearly enough media coverage.
3. BRITNEY: It's gotta be better than this show.
2. KEVIN: If enough people tune in, maybe my wife will make out with Madonna again.
1. BRITNEY: In the season finale, you'll find out that Dave is the father of my baby - oops.
(via stereogum)

Not one to be biased (I can't help it if a majority of the time everyone else is wrong), here are what some other people thought of Britney/Kevin/the show:

The only thing I kept thinking was how immature Britney really is. She keeps making faces and seems uncomfortable doing simple things like talking or answering questions.
(pink is the new blog referring to Britney on Ellen)

9:12 – aw sad moment, poor lonely britney talks over “everytime” video, I shed a single tear
9:13 – britney hates love, is a “bitter betty” – note to self: add this phrase into my daily vocab
9:17 – its pretty clear britney annoys the living shit out of everyone she knows
9:54 – I am convinced that brintey spends a good 85% of her time giggling
(immoderation during her liveblog)

It was as if I was promised an hour-long trip to Sea World as a child. But just as I showed up, instead of happy and fun, there was no sea, no sea animals and no world. Just a big black sucking hole of unintelligence. Yep. That's about it.
(dude.man.phat compares it to Sea World)

The thing is, we can handle Britney's truth. We just don't want to. In the middle of her short-lived Onyx Hotel tour (and 30 minutes into the show), Britney met backup dancer Kevin. If this project — which would have benefited from the MTV treatment — was meant to paint the happy couple in an endearing light, it, like, totally didn't work, y'all. Britney and her surly future husband appeared to be dumber than we ever imagined.
(ny daily news didn't like it)

it was so bad... but we couldnt turn it off .
(my friend Kathy)

Later y'all.
R.

Can you handle this shirt?

My friends and fellow Britney & Kevin lovers Randy and Moss have created another t-shirt, this one dedicated to the mesmerizing Mr. Kevin Federline-Spears. You can buy it here.

This just in: my roommate is currently taping Ellen w/ guests Britney & Kevin. Could this day get any better?

R.

Here come the crabs!

I'm going to a wedding memorial day weekend in Baltimore (aka Crabtown) and b/c I like to plan ahead, I bought my ticket way in advance, before my friends who said "Yeah, we're going to stay through Monday" but then all decided to leave Sunday instead b/c it was cheaper and now I'm stuck there for a day by myself. I mean, it's not the "by myself" thing that really bothers me, it's the "I have no money" thing that's the problem. So now I'm supposed to pay for a hotel room and entertainment, aka lame a** touristy things? And I'm running out of alternate options, as I will list below:
1. Visit friend Jenny in DC on Sunday night. That was the plan until she decided to go away w/ her boyfriend that weekend. She's getting laid...I'm getting screwed. I'm so clever it hurts.
2. Go to New York for the night. I don't think I want to take a 3 hour train ride there and then back just to save money on a hotel. That would be stupid, no? (I'm French)
3. Change my ticket to Sunday. Sure, there's only a $25 dollar charge to exchange it, but w/ the additional price change I'll owe over $500. Which doesn't really work out so well with the "I have no money" situation. I f*cking hate plane tickets.
4. Fly back stand by on Sunday. What if I wait for hours and don't get on a flight? Essentially, I would be using the airport as a hotel. I would be like a homeless person. I wouldn't be able to shower. I couldn't put on my pajamas. If I happen to have an empty cup sitting beside me while I'm sleeping, someone may even put money in it b/c they feel sorry for me and think I look like a good kid who's on the wrong path. Then I would use the money to buy myself a treat- like ice cream.
5. Per my mom's suggestion, meet someone at the wedding who will let me stay with them. I don't know if she was implying that I whore myself out to the best man for a free night's stay at his apt, but I think I might take her advice. I know hookers who've done a lot worse for less (I don't really know any hookers).
R.

Gloyfades presents: Where are they now? (and do we really care)

I'm bored and thanks to the crippling pain I'm currently experiencing I cannot even get up from my desk....therefore I will spend the next few moments catching up w/ some former "stars" that never get any credit for their masterful work in the late 80's/early 90's:



Brian Tanner from "Alf" (aka Benji Gregory):
Last seen on an episode of Murphy Brown in 1991. According to his mini-biography, "his three favorite collections are of rocks, shells and Garbage Pail Kids cards". I wonder if this has changed.



Blossom from "Blossom" (aka Mayim Bialik):
Last seen having sex w/ Kirstie Alley's asst on "Fat Actress". Oh yeah, and she's fat now. That doesn't mean we love her any less, it just means there's more of her to love.




Nikki from the original "Saved by the Bell"w/ Ms. Bliss (aka Heather Hopper)
Last seen on "Passions" playing Surrogate Candidate #1...the days of "Troop Beverly Hills" must seem like a dream now, am I right Heather?




Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere from "Mr. Belvedere" (aka Christopher Hewett)
He died.



Sly from "California Dreams" (aka Michael Cade)
I'm sure he's still out there scheming as usual...they don't call him "Sly" for nothing!
surf dudes with attitudes
feeling groovy
laid back moods
sky above
sand below
good vibrations
feeling mellow
I'm not going to lie, I didn't even have to look up the words (hangs head in shame).



Booker from "Roseanne" (aka George Clooney)
Can't find anything on this guy.

That's it for now.
R.

Nice pants

So not very long ago I was walking down Melrose when I spotted something v. interesting/funny/weird, so much so that I took a picture w/ my camera phone and I would post that same picture here except that I don't know how to do that (I guess I lied, I am not a computer genius). Anyway, the something I saw was actually two somethings: 1) a pair of pants with a picture of Micheal Jackson painted on the a** w/ "Not guilty" written underneath and 2) another pair of pants with John Lennon's face painted on the crotch. Personally, I think MJ's defense team should buy the pants and bring them in as evidence. Just parade them in front of the jury...they will speak for themselves. I can almost picture the jurors nodding at the sight of such overwhelming evidence, perhaps even juror number 7 will lean to juror number 8 and say, "Well, I guess he didn't do it after all." And as for Lennon, I couldn't think of a better way to honor his legacy than to have his face split down the middle to form the legs of a pair of pants. At least his eyes will remain intact as they are prominently displayed across your nether region.



Can you handle their truth?
Tonight is the debut of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic and in honor of this monumental event, Ashley & I are throwing a Taco Bell, Red Bull, and Cheetos viewing party. I guess it's more of a get together seeing as how there will only be 6 people there. But nevertheless, the commentary will be priceless.

This week is upfronts, which for you non industry people (aka losers) is the week when they announce the new fall TV shedules...and we sadly say good bye to those who won't be returning. Let's take a moment to mourn a few shows that didn't make the team this year:
Blind Justice: While this show had an awesome tag line that only gets better w/ repetition ("He lost his sight but not his vision"...say it three times with me) the premise blew. Maybe if he would have had a talking guide dog....
life as we know it: Sorry Kelly Osbourne, I guess you'll have to go back to making your money the old fashioned way- by selling sh*tty records. You're so punk you don't even care.
Commando Nanny: I don't even remember this show. Did it star Hulk Hogan? Oh wait, I'm thinking of Suburban Commando. Nevermind.
Committed: Who knew that the dying clown living in your closet premise wouldn't catch on?
Father of the Pride: Totally saw this coming.
8 Simple Rules: What? David Spade couldn't save this show? There is no God!

Sometimes being a woman sucks. Like right now. I will never be able to handle giving birth.
R.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "Z"

I'm depressed today. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that I didn't sleep well last night. Anyway, in my tradition of self-analyzation and the search for "my problem" I've made a list of things I will no longer do starting....now.
1. Obsess. Over anything. Even if it's important. But especially if it's not (i.e. what to eat for dinner, what to do on a friday night, etc)
2. Talk about how tired I am. I'm pretty sure I have anemia and I should just take an iron pill and shut the f*ck up. But I'm too lazy to go to the doctor and I'm paranoid that if I take iron pills and don't actually have anemia I will die. And that will be embarassing, dying from an iron overdose.
3. Get frustrated. Let's say I'm at work, doing nothing, just sitting here, and my boss asks me to do something very simple (please make one copy of a single piece of paper) or the phone rings- I get frustrated. I even let out an annoyed sigh so that others will know I'm frustrated. It's ridiculous, honestly.
4. Be self conscious. Once and for all I will take advice that has been given to me repeatedly and actually put it into practice. That advice being that I should have more confidence b/c confidence is sexy. B/c frankly my "glass is half empty pessimistic he's probably not into me" attitude isn't doing anything for me. So I will opt for a delusional mindset...everyone wants me. I will get back to you on my success rate of this new attitude.
5. Spend more money than I actually have. I, Reagan, have a shopping addiction. And it's not just with clothes, it's with anything. I spent $30 at Rite Aid yesterday when all I had on my list to buy was toothpaste and a bottle of water. So I spend and spend then I panic that I have no money and I feel sick at my stomach and wonder where the $800 from selling my car went when the only new things I have to show for it are a few new clothing items and a severly depleted bank account. I have a love/hate relationship with money- I love it when I have some, I hate it when I don't.

And now onto more important things...Zach Braff & Mandy Moore (via d listed). I particularly like the commentary: I didn't know those cunts were dating! That's all I really care about from that post, I've been over Zach Braff for forever, I couldn't care less who he's dating. Forever meaning since he became all Hollywood, i.e. successful enough for famous people to want to be friends with him. Am I jealous? Do I feel betrayed? Am I upset that Scrubs has been pushed in favor of new sitcoms that will most likely suck? Answer to all three questions: A little.

Halle-f*cking-lujah- Arrested Development wasn't cancelled (via defamer)

This weekend Alisa spotted Jake Gyllenhaal dining w/ his mother (?..or the start of a May-December relationship) on Third Street. In next weekend's news, Reagan goes out to eat on Third Street.

Vacation spot of the week: Whore Island (via immoderation)
Finally, for those of you who don't really value deep conversation or any intelligence at all in your whores, may I suggest Stupid Whorangeles. You only have to communicate through hand motions and grunts here, all the while rubbing elbows with the stupidest whores of all time, such as Paris Hilton, Trishelle from RW:LV, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jennifer Lopez.
Each section of Whore Island is unique and special in its own way, and I suggest you tour the entire island to really get the "Whoring Around Experience".

Dave Chappelle: I'm not crazy bitch (via a socialite's life)
I believe you Dave. If I was under pressure and had lots of money and knew of a South African relaxation/mental facility, I would have done the same thing. Totally makes sense.

R.

It just doesn't make sense...

+

You're not Zack Stevens!

Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Audio Version
I've started a revolution! Up next: Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Book (the pictures are to die for!), followed by Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Movie (starring Paris Hilton & Kimberly Stewart), and eventually, Save Linsday & Nicole: The failed Broadway musical (produced by Rosie O'Donnell).

Where in the world is Goldenfiddle?

Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time
I'm pretty sure I've posted this before, but I don't care. While I do love Joyce at # 9 (she is what Peggy Hill would look like as a human...but uglier), I have to say that Tino sort of resembles someone I know, but I will not tell you who, b/c if I did I would probably offend him. If you know me, you can ask me (this means Ashley). OMG...inside joke! I also like #6 The Ministers Quartet- Let me touch him....I can only imagine the brainstorming session to come up w/ this title (insert wavy lines indicating flashback):
Holy Man #1: How about "Nailed"?
Holy Man #3: I like it, but we need something softer...something that says "I am one with the Lord".
Holy Man #2: Why don't we just call it that?
Holy Man #4: Too obvious. How about... "Let him touch us"?
Holy Man #1: I love it!
Holy Man #3: He's always the one doing the touching, it's time that we give something back....how about "Let us touch him"?
Holy Man #2: That's it!
Holy Man #4: It's genius!
Holy Man #1: Watch your back Krusade, there's a new Christian band in town!
R.

I invented the piano key neck tie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

I like pictures.

I emailed some friends about going to the movies this Friday to see Kicking & Screaming then going out for a drink/food/desert/coffee b/c frankly I thought it would be fun and I'm tired of drinking being considered the only requirement to make an evening "eventful". I want to expand my social outing possibilities beyond "let's go to [insert name here]'s house and drink" or "let's go to [insert bar name here] and drink". So I get back I think one "sounds good to me" and 4 "maybes" and 5 responses that I couldn't decode b/c they didn't just come right out and say "I don't want to do that" but beat around the bush w/ excuses and ended with a "maybe I'll met up w/ you after the movie for a drink." Yes, for a drink, b/c watching Will Ferrell scream at little kids just doesn't do it for me. Not b/c I feel sorry for the kids. Not b/c I don't think Will Ferrell is funny. But b/c I would rather save that $10 and spend it on a single drink I will finish in 10 minutes than use it on 2 hours of pure hilarity...I will turn down my good friend Reagan so that I can keep my options open when we both know that in the end, I will end up doing nothing that great with my evening.

I hope they don't read this. I'm more of the "bitch behind your back but not to your face" type of girl. Why else would I viciously attack celebrities in my posts? B/c they can't say anything back.

Can I please find someone else out there who think Seth Coen (aka Seth from the OC) is unbelievably annoying? I'm just wondering b/c everyone still loves him, thinks he's the greatest. If I try to speak up, it's as if I've insulted their very belief system....sorry Jesus, but I'm an Adam Brodyist. He's the human equivalent of a chihuahua. On that note, I will tape tonight's episode as I will not be home to see it "live".

I'm going to the race track on Saturday for Brad's bday. I'm going to bet on the cutest horse or the one with the best name. And if it doesn't win, I will have it killed. I'm just kidding! But I'll never speak to it again.
R.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying

I have a tendency to tell stories that were funny initially (meaning, when they actually occurred) but lose all sense of humor when I attempt to recreate the situation. With that being said, I'm going to tell you what I heard on the radio this morning:
I was listening to the 103.1 9:30 news (as I do everyday, it comes on right as I'm running late for work) and laughing (out loud) at this guy's take on Macaulay's testimony at the MJ trial...he compared it to saying "OJ didn't murder me so he must be innocent" like if he didn't molest Macaulay then he's not a pedaphile, in case you didn't get that. Then he said (this is him as Culkin) "I was the hottest 10 year old in the world, how could he not want a piece of me?" Guy, you're funny. They also created the mental image of him being on the stand with his hands on his cheeks, Home Alone style. It's an old joke, but I couldn't help laughing. This doesn't say much for it actually being humourous- I laugh a lot, as you can tell. The end.

So MSN made a list of ten ways to live longer. I personally like to plan ahead, but that's mainly for trips and what I'm doing next weekend. I guess I should think about planning on not dying....it just seems so far away. But you know, I'll just keep putting it off and putting it off them bam! I'm dead. If that's the case then I better focus on quality of life if longevity isn't in the cards for me. Live each day as if it's my last. If that were the case, on my last day of being alive, I'm writing a blog during my lunch break. Carpe diem! Anyway, here's the list:

1. Don't oversleep
2. Be optomistic
3. Have more sex
4. Get a pet
5. Get a VAP
6. Be rich
7. Stop smoking
8. Chill out
9. Eat your antioxidants
10. Marry Well

Well MSN, here is what I think of your stupid list:

1. I always oversleep because hitting that snooze alarm just one more time really does make a difference.
2. Everyday sucks just as much if not more than the day before.
3. I haven’t had sex in ages with someone whose name I actually remember
4. I would get a pet if a) I could even keep a plant alive or b) my landlord would let me. And if I didn’t hate animals.
5. What the fuck is a VAP?
6. Be rich? Oh, I didn’t realize it was that easy to just “be rich”. Okay- poof, I'm rich.
7. Easier said than done- I've been "quitting" for five months. Plus, cigarrettes make you look cool.
8. You chill out.
9. I hate antioxidants. I avoid them at all costs.
10. Does this mean marry someone nice or marry someone rich? If it means nice, then okay, that makes sense. If it means marry rich, you’re just repeating yourself (see #6).

On a final note, MSN also had this to say: If you really want to live longer, then you can start with your attitude.
I'm fucked.

R.

A really long a** post

Last night Ashley and I decided to begin again with our weekly hanging out sessions, which we chose (unwisely?) to call RASH...b/c I'm Reagan and she's Ashley...thus RASH. If alcoholics have an acronym, why can't we? (actually, it's not an acronymn since the letters do not represent actual words). So in the spirit of our many elderly neighbors, we began the evening with a walk. (no, Craig, we did not wear bonnets). We strolled around the block a few times (okay, once) then went to Trader Joe's to get something to make for dinner. But they didn't have angel food cake (our desert of choice...topped w/ strawberries and whip cream...I just licked my lips, literally) so we kept on walking to Ralph's where gasp! they were also out of angel food cake. What the hell is going on??!! I mean, when an animal is extinct it's a big f*cking deal, but no one gives a sh*t that we're quickly running out of the afc. If I'd known, maybe I would have stocked up weeks ago. This may seem petty, but the Rolling Stones had it right...you really don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. To end this extremely interesting story, we ended up getting some kind of lemon cake and pretending it was angel food cake, meaning we put whipped cream and strawberries on top. It was good.

And in the news...Macaulay Culkin testified that Michael Jackson did nothing of the sort (molestation) and that it's all a lie. My take: Mac doesn't want people to know MJ touched him...down there.

Mental picture of the day: This guy's saddened face after Ewan McGregor said the following:
The guy yelled, 'Obi-Wan. Do you have any advice for a trainee Jedi?' I just said, 'No, don't be so ridiculous.' It's just so weird, it really is."

Help Save Lindsay Lohan & Nicole Richie.
Hello there,

Right now, all over the world, malnourished celebrities are hurting. They are suffering from starvation brought upon by break-ups (Lindsay & Wilmer, Paris & Nicole) and the strange desire to be able to hide behind street lamps. They lack self-esteem and even the most basic idea of what it means to “eat”. In many areas of LA, 4 out of 5 starving celebrities will die within the next two years.

All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of Lindsay & Nicole and say, "Yes, I will help."

Someone like you.

It doesn't have to be this way.

With each passing day, Lindsay & Nicole are finding it increasingly difficult to stay alive. Cut off from eating anything of nutritional value, they are forced to make choices about which essentials they can afford: three peas or a glass of Cristal they'll just throw up later? Choices no one should have to make. Despair takes the place of hope.

It doesn't have to be this way. Please, look deep into your heart and make the decision to become a Save Lindsay & Nicole sponsor, and for as little as 79 cents a day (or about the cost of the average over-the-counter diet pill, if it were broken up into individual payments), you can help stop the suffering and give these deserving celebrities a better life today, and a chance for the future.

A relationship you'll cherish forever.

As a Lindsay & Nicole sponsor, you become a partner in bringing renewed hope to two girls whose futures are now in doubt. The special relationship you can develop with them is something you'll cherish forever. It starts with a headshot and a press kit, including a bio, filmography, and list of projects in development (n/a for Nicole) . And it continues as you enjoy opportunities to get to know Lindsay & Nicole (and for them to learn all about you!).

Best of all, you'll actually see the impact that your sponsorship is having. You'll receive regular updates and press releases from their publicists, on your own Lindsay & Nicole stationery.

Where the money goes.

Your tax-deductible contribution can be sent directly to the Save Lindsay & Nicole foundation, or to Nicole’s fiance DJ AM, or even to Lionel Richie. But definitely not to Lindsay’s dad- he’ll just use it to buy coke.

Imagine the excitement when we tell Lindsay & Nicole that someone wants to make a difference in their lives! Still not convinced? Read testimonials from participants. Or hear the sad tale of other celebrities in need.

Please Please Oh Please

Lindsay & Nicole are waiting to be sponsored. Please won't you fill out the sponsorship form today? Right now? The lives of Lindsay & Nicole are all too short. Extend a hand, and extend the hope.

There's a time for a love and a time for living

Yes, I am the Lord. The Lord, Tony Danza. I guess that's why I'm glowing

We've all heard the classic stories of misunderstood lyrics..."There's a bathroom on the right"...."Hold on while I kiss this guy"...and I even have a few of my own to add:
"Kissing the night away" aka "Pissing the night away" (Chumbawumba)
"How can I have sex without you?" aka "How can I exist without you?" (some mediocre forgettable band from high school)
So apparently (not apparently...actually) there's a website FULL of misheard lyrics stories. My favorite has to be "There ain't no hall of fat girls". I'm sure you can figure out the song.

Everyone has a blog...even Darth Vader (via Bre). I don't get a lot of the references (re: I'm not a Star Wars superfan), but I love the bio:
Darth Vader is an immaculately conceived knight-bastard imbued with magical powers who rules the known galaxy at the right hand of the merciless and brilliant Emperor Palpatine I. Though he maintains palaces on both Coruscant and Vjun, Vader spends most of his time travelling aboard Executor, the flagship of his deadly pan-galactic armada. He enjoys fixing things, listening to music, and crushing people's tracheas with his mind.
Knight-bastard...funny.

Pat O'Brien/Rosie O'Donnell Mash Up (via daily roundup). Funniest. Thing. Ever. Can't you just picture this as a Robert Smigel cartoon? My coworkers didn't find it as hilarious and I wouldn't have even told them about it b/c we don't have that relationship of "Oohh, check out this funny thing I found, I'll send you the link" but after I started laughing hysterically they of course asked "What's so funny?" and I had to tell them....which met w/ blankish stares and no laughter whatsoever. Maybe it was the "I want to lick your pussy line" that didn't do it for them...

Holy Cow! Tony flips his kart (via whatevs). This post is just full of Tony Danza goodness! On a side note, I had a go-kart as a child and I used to always turn corners really fast in an attempt to throw the housekeeper's daughter off b/c I hated her. Yes, I said housekeeper. We were a very prestigious family living in the outskirts of Gilmer, TX in a neigborhood consisting of half houses, half trailers (we were a house, obvs...home phone number 734-5108- strange that I still remember than from when I was 10) Not that there's anything wrong with trailers, they make great homes for poor people.
R.

Say what???

Renee Zelwegger & Kenny Chesney have tied the knot
(again thanks to E! for their extreme investigative journalism)
My immediate response: Yuck. Kenny Chesney is the opposite of everything I find attractive. B/c he wears a cowboy hat and tight pants. I'm stereotyping- I don't even know which one he is (of the country singers) and I've never seen his pants. But I know he's probably balding underneath that Texas sombrero he's sporting in the thumbnail photo. They usually are.
Did anyone even know they were together? Isn't it her duty as a celebrity to tell us who she's dating? Or at least let us take pictures of the two of them while they act annoyed?
Doesn't this post go against everything I was complaining about earlier today? I can't help it- frankly, I'm shocked. And a little disappointed in Renee. How does one go from Jack White to Kenny Chesney??? It blows my mind, honestly.
R.

My new love

I warned you....I can't stop myself!



Name: Wentworth Miller (with a name like that, you know he's hunted foxes before)
Where I've seen him: Joan of Arcadia finale and previews for new series Prison Break
Why I like him: He's very attractive...and British
What I want to do to him: Make sweet dirty love (b/c of this picture in particular...it's too big to post so I settled for other not as hot picture)
Chances of me actually meeting him, much less getting in his pants: Slim
Current position in my fantasy bank: #2 (behind my sweet sweet Jake)
R.

I am a computer genius, part 2

As you have probably noticed (if you didn't then you are blind and someone is reading this to you) I learned how to post pictures. And it only took me 8 mos! So now I will completely abuse this new addition to my blog.


We're having a baby!

What I think about this picture:

1. It's obvious that Jennifer is with child as she has her hands placed on her stomach- a sure sign of a woman impregnated.

2. Ben starts a new trend: the crooked beanie...an interesting twist on the crooked trucker hat. Word.

3. Ben's mouth is hanging open, but not in that "I just finished saying something" way but rather the "My mouth just hangs open, like some sort of mental defective" way.

4. We're in love so we don't care what we look like.

R.

Testing.

I love you.
R.

Ring my bell

This could possibly be my last post ever as I think I might be dying of sun poisoning. Yes, that's right, my life is ending b/c I didn't put on the appropriate SPF (why on earth would I think 4 would be enough?) I just wanted to be tan, to look "thin" thanks to the camouflauging aspect that dark brown skin has to offer. But the bright red- doesn't quite have the same effect (in fact, it adds an element of looking like a tomato...aka round...aka fat). And now I feel like I have the flu and even wearing a bra is killing me. Too bad I don't have breasts appropriate for going braless.

This weekend was pretty much a wash. Friday night I did nothing (unless you count watching the OC as something..but omg the rape scene was great). Saturday night I went to a party w/ my friends Jessica and Justin but ended up going back home after an hour b/c I got my very first migraine (yeah!!!!). It was terrible- it felt like my head had a heartbeat....the pulsating was unbearable. It made me so nauseaus all I could do to ease the pain was to lie motionless on the couch w/ my eyes closed. I'm sure you're thinking, "Please tell us more Reagan, oh please!" but I'm going to stop now w/ any talk of my weekend ailments. Oh, but while I was doing this I was listening to an old episode of Saturday Night Live on E! when not once, but two times the program was interruped by Guilana Depandi (this prob isn't the correct spelling but I don't care enough to look it up) with breaking news: According to their inside sources, Jennifer Garner is with child. What is the world coming to when this is considered breaking news? I know it wasn't CNN (though I'm sure they did a news story on it as well) it was E! so what else would I expect. And I know I buy into a lot of sh*t (half of what I write here isn't even on par w/ what they write in In Touch), but why why why do we care if she is or isn't? Why do we care about Angelina and Brad (hello idiots, they've been using the same f*cking pictures to write 50 dif news stories)? Why do we even pay attention when it's announced that Paris and Nicole are no longer friends? You want an interesting story...announce that J. Garner is pregant, but that Ben's not the father. Now that, I would pay attention to. Or pay more attention to.

I know this is a very "uncool" thing to say "(and I am the epitome of cool...someday I will say this and mean it, which will mean I'm not actually cool but rather lame and delusional)...but there are too many bands out there for me to stay in the loop. Of course, I don't really try- I listen mainly to 103.1 and rarely buy cd's...I subscribe to Spin and Rolling Stone but don't actually read the reviews. I just scan them. Then when someone says "Yeah [insert band name here] is awesome" I can nod along b/c even though I haven't heard them I've heard of them and that's just a couple levels below actually being a fan. Sometimes being a fan is too much effort. It means buying multiple cd's (to be a hard core fan, the complete collection is essential) and knowing personal information about band members, such as what they look like, what instrument they play, who they're dating, etc. As you can tell, I'm a busy girl and don't have the time for such frivolous things.

Last but not least...I'm feeling v. sexually frustrated (and where better to express my frustrations that on my blog). Maybe I should start responding to the cabana boy submissions. That would be a def low point in my life, esp for someone who's said she will never ever use a personal ad to meet someone. It's just creepy and wrong. Esp when you consider this guy is the type who responds to them:
How are you going to pay me? And after I fuck you so hard that it will hurt for you to pee a week beyond our session. So prep and respond as I can be quite busy...
That's sweet.
R.

She didn't do nothing but have sex with someone

What a de-f*cking-lightful surprise this morning when I get into my car to hear my old pal Ben Lee on the radio...and that's the way I like it (nice reference Reagan...hey thanks). He played two songs on the Mighty Morning Show: Gamble Everything for Love and Catch My Disease. And they were both awesome. But I'm a little biased seeing as how I want to bear his children.

Last night I went out w/ a few friends for El Cinco de Mayo and we're talking about when we lost our virginity (mine is one of those stories where you laugh first pity later) and my friend Dave starts his out with "I lost my virginity in Alabama" to which I reply "Oh yeah, how is your cousin?" Ba dum dum. That's the story- I said something funny.

I know I'm a little late on this one (I could have given a sh*t until I got sucked in thanks to 1/2 hour of The Insider...damn you Pat O'Brien, damn you to hell!) but this whole American Idol thing is just ridiculous. Seriously, if Paula would just come out and say (and I mean Paula, not her publicist, like have a press conference or do a video like MJ did w/ his first molestation trial) "Seriously guys...Corey? I can do better than that. I'm Paula freakin' Abdul. Opposites Attract? Forever your girl? They were huge hits in the late '80s. And I was married to Emilio Estevez! So really...Corey? I mean, the guy has cornrows for chrissake." Check out his single Wiggle N Shake...I can't b/c I'm at work (what would the coworkers think) but I'm sure it's quite impressive.

I'm looking to purchase a copy of Rad soon. And I'm going to have Bart Connor sign it (that's right...I've got connections). Bart Connor! aka Bart Taylor. aka rival to Cru Jones. Oh yeah, and he was a gymnast too.
R.

God turns to USPS

Alex really took it to the next level of craigslist shenanigans with his "I Will Kill Somebody for a Coldplay Ticket" pseudo-ad. I love it.

That's right, if there is some person out there whose discontinued existence would vastly improve your life, but you are having trouble with the moral or spiritual implications of killing them yourself, I will do it for you in exchange for a chance to hear "Clocks" live and in person.
...
If you'd like, I will kill you. You're suicidal and don't have the courage? No problem, we'll go to the show together, have some drinks and then, at the end of the moving encore rendition of "Yellow", I will cut you. Simple and clean. You'll go out with the sweet, melodic sounds of Coldplay wafting through your senses.

Out of boredom (what else?) I perused craigslist to find things that made me laugh. Or at least smile and think "That's kind of funny."

Stupid thugs need to stay away from Dodger stadium.- $10
All the stupid thugs need to stay away from Dodger stadium. You know who you are. Stay home an eat a taco instead. You no class losers.

*Comment: What is the $10 for? (I couldn't figure out a way to write that sentence w/o ending it w/ a preposition...I learned nothing in basic English)

Collective Soul Tickets: House of Blues LA Sunset Strip 5/29- $35
I have six (6) tickets for Collective Soul at House of Blues and I will not be able to attend the show. $35 per ticket. Send me an email if you're interested.

*Comment: 1) I didn't know Collective Soul still existed and 2) Why would anyone purchase 6 tickets to see them?

Free Rabits

*Comment: No comment necessary (What a very Jay Leno type thing for me to select and label as "humorous")

And this I found through a posting in the local news and views section...Godagram.

God-A-Gram will write a personalized letter printed on elegant stationary and signed by “God” and mail it anywhere in the world.

*Comment: Ooh, elegant stationary. B/c God wouldn't use crap. (And I stole the heading from the posting and took it as my own b/c I found it that funny)

I'm about to get uber-girly on you...I'm wearing a flowy hot pink skirt today and I like it...and so does everyone else. Please, I see the stares in the hallway. You WANT this skirt. You MUST have this skirt. Also my boss told me I look really skinny and said she would guess I wear a size 6. I don't- but that's not the point. Smoke and mirrors, my friends.

Okay, I'm done.
R.

A big fat fatty

Last night I went to my friend Jake's dance class and realized something I've always known, have even said many times before, but never really truly accepted (I thought in the right environment I might excel)- I am a terrible dancer. After watching myself in the mirrors that were oh so conveniently placed on every single wall, I now know what I look like when I "break it down." And that was me sober. I highly doubt that after I've had a few or 10 drinks I suddenly have rhythm...I'm just drunk so I think I do. Confidence in a bottle, gotta love it.

He's bleeping huge!
This reminds me of one time on Conan (I didn't see it, but Emily told me about it and I laughed) when he was doing the "if this person and this person had a baby" thing and they put a picture of Giselle and Leonardo on the screen and you could tell Conan had yet to see the picture b/c he was visibly stunned by Leonardo's fattness in it and then he quipped "Maybe he's preparing for a role in his next film- A big fat fatty." It might have been the way he said it that was so funny b/c as I re-read this I'm realizing it doesn't transfer well. I know at least Emily and Ashley are laughing at this so I'm not alone.

I love how people refer to gossip they hear about celebrities as if they've heard if from a friend...and not a friend who just finished reading In Touch. One of my co-workers was just talking about the Brangelina (Take that Bennifer!) sexcapade in Africa as if she'd just received a call from a guard standing outside their door.
"Hey Susie*, it's me George the guard. You won't believe this but I'm standing outside Brad and Angelina's room and they are having the craziest wild animal sex! No, I swear. One of the other guards thought she was being tortured and rushed into the room with his weapon drawn...he was sooooo embarassed! Oh, gotta go- Brad wants an Evian." (*name has been changed so as not to piss off my coworker should she ever stumble upon this site)

Last Days
I f*cking love Micheal Pitt. I loved him in Hedwig and I'm sure I'll love him in this. But I haven't seen The Dreamers even though I want to but I'm sure I'll hate it b/c it looks pretentious but on a really immature level I just want to see his full frontal.

Reason #687 why I hate being poor- because I miss things like this.

Happy Birthday Topanga!

I'm still getting emails for cabana boy applicants. It's going past funny and into annoying. But then I got a picture of some dude's penis emailed to me and it made me laugh again.
R.

How's that working out for you- being clever?

If you look up "Total Eclipse of the Heart - remake 2005 - swear words" on Google, my site comes up first. What a proud day this is for Glory Fades! Now that she's famous, next thing you know she'll be dating all the coolest blogs (I have my eye on you Stereogum), being ripped apart by the witty rhetoric of Go Fug Yourself (I told her not to wear taffeta), and becoming roommates/best friends with Gawker. Maybe she'll even get her picture taken with Whatevs! Eventually, you'll see her on VH1- "Behind the Blogs: She's Sweet, but She's Fucked Up"- talking about her addiction to metaphors and how she "supposedly" f*cked Best Week Ever at a party. Frankly, I don't like her new attitude of "Oooh, google me, I'm so awesome." Go ahead, I dare you to look up "Joaquin Phoenix + paternity"...you can see she's already slipping. Soon you won't be able to google "gavin degraw video sucks" without her jumping out at you..."Look at me, look at me!"
R.

You're terrible Muriel

I am not a sexual person. That's my problem. That's why everyone wants to be my friend and not my lover. I'm laughing my a** off at that last sentence. Oh man, hilarious. But I was talking to Emily last night about me not putting out a sexual vibe and we started to deconstruct what the hell people mean by "vibe". I personally never think that guys are putting out sexual vibes- it's either they're interested or they're not. I guess the sexual vibe could be the guy who is looking to get laid, but that's just slutty, not sexual. I'm just too uptight...I like to think when I go out and meet someone I put out the "I'm into you" vibe but apparantly they're just picking up the "I want to iron your button up" vibration. It's no good I tell you. Especially for someone who loves a hot guy...I go a little crazy anytime I see one (not crazy like foaming at the mouth or anything...in case that's what you were thinking). And I obsess about their hotness. And I just want to ravage them. But alas, I'm not sexual, so I'll just sit and stare instead.

I worked out on Monday and am thinking I might have overdone it a little as I've been sore as crap ever since and actually nauseaus b/c of it. I like to take "feel the burn" to a whole new level.

And now for the something completely stupid and totally lame: My friend Guiseppe and I created a personal add for craigslist after we kept making references to me needing a cabana boy(think Matt Dillon from The Flamingo Kid)...here is what it said:

DEBUATANTE IN NEED OF A WELL-MANNERED CABANA BOY
I am a Paris Hilton-type seeking a cabana boy for the summer. Must be young (20-30) and attractive. Duties include: bringing me drinks, fanning me (must provide own fan), occasional foot and neck massages, following me around, etc. Not allowed to speak unless spoken to...VERY IMPORTANT! Actually having a cabana a plus. Inquiring parties please contact via email.

And how many responses did I get? 27. I've posted my favorite below:

Do you have any yellow fever or Asian persuasion? While you are looking for Prince Charming which can take years in LA, why dont you meet your sexual needs with this smart, funny imported beefcake as your friend and fuck buddy? Since your Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, let me Usher you to my Candy Shop.

Do you have any Chinese in you? If not, I can give you some with no G-string attached, and you can even have a ball .... :) I can open more Doors than Jim Morrison, so Cum On Baby, Light My Fire. Save drama for your mama, and enjoy some original comedy with me.

Got Milk? I am a weapon of ass seduction, a muscular alpha male, confident, exotic, erotic, intelligent (MS CalTech, USC PhD program with a Lick Her license), discreet, diclicious, juicy, cerebral, and funny Asian stud, 30 years young, 69 inches, 185lbs, works out daily, non-smoker, disease and drug-free, smooth, shaved, hot but way cool, well hung but not cocky, thick and uncut for your Sugar Walls. I love animals, and can lick your kitty, spread your eagle, do a doggie, taste your Red Bull, kiss your Jaguar, or horse around with the cock. I am not Madonna, but I can Juicify My Love. I am not George Michael, but I Want Your Sex. I can host since I have nice condo near Westwood Village and Sports Club LA with heated swimming pool, sundeck, tanning chairs, koi pond, waterfall, lush landscaping, jacuzzi, steam room, gym, personal sauna, French music, satin sheets, and decorated with art and statues.

I am not Cameron Diaz or Russell Crowe, but I am The Sweetest Thing with A Beautiful Mind. I am not Garfunkel, but I do what Simon says. I am spiritual, witty, can make you laugh, connect with you on many levels, and fill you with more Passion than Mel Gibson. I am not an Oscar winner, but I am a Million Dollar Baby for a goddess who can ANALyze This. I love to go downtown on an Uptown Girl because I am a more cunning linguist than The Interpreter who can cumfort you regularly as a friend with benefits, or if we click, supply more LTR than a nympho can swallow.

I am a porn-again Christian who disagrees with the Pope on contraception and celibacy, so cum play with my bishop, get baptized with holy water, and cummit a cardinal sin. I am Home Alone in Westwood so you can just bring your bikini and swim/jacuzzi/sauna with me, have some wine, nuts, sausage, conversation, and creampie, watch DVD, enjoy my humor, get under my foreskin, and receive a facial. I can rock you better than Rod Stewart, so if you want my body and if you think I am sexy, just reach out and let me know. I look gorgeous naked, and can outlast the Energizer bunny for your Close Encounter of the Wild Kind, so email me stats, pics and perhaps your # so I can fulfill your Booty Call and be the boy toy in your Happy Meal.

La Perla lingerie $400

Liposuction $2000

Mercedes Benz S-class $100,000

Finding a talented Chinese Takeout who has class and can make you laugh......priceless.

Nice.

R.

I'm serious- I'll scratch your eyes out

I'm sure everyone's seen the story of the Runaway Bride, as they've so cleverly titled her (it's just like that Julia Roberts movie, except serious). I love how everytime they put her picture up on the screen it's the same one...wouldn't it be funny if they switched it up a bit? Maybe a picture of her at a coworkers birthday party? Or even her dressed up as Little Bo Peep for Halloween? But no, it's always the same picture- you can almost see through her smile her thoughts of "What the f*ck am I doing? I don't want to marry this guy. Please somebody help me." And if you stare at her eyes long enough, you'll go into a trance.

Yesterday I had a virus sent to me via IM...it came from a friend and said "OMG. Check this out" and you could click to a link on the "this" which I of course I did b/c it said OMG so it must be really awesome but then it sent the IM to everyone on my buddy list, so all these people are IM'ing me asking "What is this?" and I'm trying to tell them "Don't open it!" but my mouse won't work and my boss is desperately yelling at her computer screen for her boyfriend not to open it like it's a f*cking bomb and then all of the sudden we start receiving the IM from him b/c he's now infected and it's being sent to his buddy list and it was just a big pain in the a** and f*cked up his computer but luckily spared mine any damage b/c I panicked and turned off my computer when it started going crazy even though I had no clue how to remedy the situation b/c I'm not the IT guy (not that we have one). It was like a horror movie for nerds.

Check out Emily & Bre's interview w/ Sir Ben Lee (yes, I just knighted him) on The Austinist.

I just balanced my check book and I'm f*cked for the next month and then some...unless I win the lottery. But I'd have to actually purchase a lottery ticket first.
R.

To all those people doing lines

Recently I've been making some really dumb a** mistakes at work and I feel I have nothing to blame but my incessant posting. Sure, it's slow/dead at the office, but that doesn't mean I can quit working all together. It seems like the less I have to do, the less I actually do. For example, I find myself taking things I need to either fax or file or fax then file and just setting them to the side, in my "I'll get to that later" pile. What else am I doing that's so important? Oh, that's right, I'm writing about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' budding relationship, obviously that should take priority. For a girl who wants to ask for a raise sometime soon (so that maybe one day she can afford that fancy shampoo she's been eyeing), I better put on my game face, get my sh*t together, and stop wasting my time writing to an invisible audience.

On that note, I had the weirdest dream on Saturday night. I spent the night on my friend's futon and I cuddled with her faux Winnie the Pooh doll who looks just like the real thing but creepier. It's something about the smile. Anyway, I just like to cuddle with something, whether it be a pillow, a stuffed animal, or dare I say a real live person! So earlier in the night someone had brought their baby to my friend's bday dinner...and in my dream the faux Pooh sat up and turned into the baby who then began running around the room and doing sommersaults. It really freaked me out to the point that I keep getting flashes of scary Pooh in my head, like I'm in some bad horror movie.

I heard this song on the radio this morning that I kind of liked...by this guy McGowan who used to play guitar for Ben Lee. He's playing at Tangier Restuarant tonight...maybe I'll go...if it's free. Doesn't look like it is. And I'm out.

How lame is this...according to IMDB (my essential source for pointless news) Martin Freeman aka Tim from The Office aka Arthur Dent is quitting comedy for good. Ummm Martin....you might not want to bite the hand that feeds you.

Remember when Hayden Christensen used to be attractive? Now he's at that weird "Is he a boy or a man?" stage and things aren't looking so good....I think his nose is trying to take over his face. I'm so mean, seriously (I say this like I'm proud, but I actually feel kind of bad that I find it so funny). Yesterday I actually described Rumer Willis to my friend by saying "imagine Bruce Willis as a 16 year old lesbian with down syndrome." I'll pay for these statements in the afterlife. Or at the very least, karma will f*ck me over.
R.